I was so far from you
Yet to me you were always so close
I wandered lost in the dark
I closed my eyes toward the signs
You put in my way
I walked everyday
Further and further away from you
O Allah, you brought me home
I thank You with every breath I take.
I never thought about
Lets get back to Islam, before the sun goes down,
We never know when we’ll be under the mound.
“I’ll pray when I get older,” That’s what they say,
But we might not have even one more day!
Lets get back to Islam, before its too late,
“Aw man, can’t I just delay it for another date?”
I’m writing this letter at the kitchen table, and I’m struggling because I don’t know how to say what I’m about to tell you. Part of me wishes that you were here with me so I could do this in person, but we both know that’s impossible. So here I am, groping for words with tears on my cheeks and hoping that you’ll somehow forgive me for what I’m about to write.
I know this is a terrible time for you. I try not to think about the war, but I can’t escape the images, and I’m scared all the time. I watch the news and scour newspapers, knowing you’re in the midst of all of it, trying to find out where you are and what you’re going through. I pray every night that you’ll make it home safely, and I always will. You and I shared something wonderful, and I never want you to forget that. Nor do I want you to believe that you didn’t mean as much to me as I did to you. You’re rare and beautiful, John. I fell in love with you, but more than that, meeting you made me realize what true love really means. For the past two and a half years, I’ve been staring at every full moon and remembering everything we’ve been through together. I remember how talking to you that first night felt like coming home, and I remember the night we made love. I’ll always be glad that you and I shared ourselves like that. To me, it means that our souls will be linked together forever.
There’s so much more, too. When I close my eyes, I see your face; when I walk, it’s almost as if I can feel your hand in mine. Those things are still real to me, but where they once brought comfort, now they leave me with an ache. I understood your reason for staying in the army, and I respected your decision. I still do, but we both know our relationship changed after that. We changed, and in your heart, I think you realized it, too. Maybe the time apart was too much, maybe it was just our different worlds. I don’t know. Every time we fought I hated myself for it. Somehow, even though we still loved each other, we lost that magical bond that kept us together.
I know that sounds like an excuse, but please believe me when I say that I didn’t mean to fall in love with someone else. If I don’t really understand how it happened, how can you? I don’t expect you to, but because of all we’ve been through, I just can’t continue lying to you. Lying would diminish everything we’ve shared, and I don’t want to do that, even though I know you will feel betrayed.
I’ll understand if you never want to talk to me again, just as I’ll understand if you tell me that you hate me. Part of me hates me, too. Writing this letter forces me to acknowledge that, and when I look in the mirror, I know I’m looking at someone who isn’t sure she deserves to be loved at all. I mean that.
Even though you may not want to hear it, I want you to know that you’ll always be a part of me. In our time together, you claimed a special place in my heart, one I’ll carry with me forever and that no one can ever replace. You’re a hero and a gentleman, you’re kind and honest, but more than that, you’re the first man I ever truly loved. And no matter what the future brings, you always will be, and I know that my life is better for it.
I’m so sorry,